Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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