Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
