In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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