i wish my penis had a tongue
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
