I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
