just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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