I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
