I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
