At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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