dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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