It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
