Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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