did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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