sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
