I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
