Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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