I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
