Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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