just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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