she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
