Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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