why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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