My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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