I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
