Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
