i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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