peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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