So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
