omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
