I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
