is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
