morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
