Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
