My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
