i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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