You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
