Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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