There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
