Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
