sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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