I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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