You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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