i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize