I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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