I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
