tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize