Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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