Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
