I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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