1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
