i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
