When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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