Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
