I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
