I think I just saw someone hide a body.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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