I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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