he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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