also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
