I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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