Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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