Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
