You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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