the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
