if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
